Squirrels incite violence

It's on tree rodents! The squirrels have dug one hole too many in my oregano and I have had it! I'm 'bout to unleash a whole world of hurt on those mean spirited, pouffy-tailed, rat-faced, OCD, plant munching varmints. (When I say "hurt," I mean mental anguish, not physical pain. I'm a squirrel hater, not a squirrel mutilator.)

Never before in nature has such a perfect combo of cute and diabolical been achieved.

My precious plants spent the winter in the safety of the screened in porch, where those foul little degenerates could only look at them with longing in their beady eyes. But when the sun started to shine again this spring, I moved my herbs back out onto the deck and that's when the trouble started. Started again, to be exact.

We knew from experience that when we put the plants back, the squirrels would soon return as well, so we prepared for battle.

First step: Research them.

Blogs (here's one) dedicated to squirrel detractors abound. But there are possibly even more for those who believe squirrel haters just need to be rehabilitated. The latter group of bloggers is obviously insane. On this blog, one can find all manner of pro-squirrel propaganda, stating for instance that squirrels are environmentalists because they have planted so many trees. Thanks squirrels, but I don't need a tree in my basil. This gentleman, who calls himself Squirrelman brings out the old liberal/conservative divide to stick it to the "anti-squirrel fanatics" who are making wild accusations against his favorite (evil) creature. Aside from discovering the explosive polarity of this issue, I also learned that these scraggly beasts apparently don't like peppermint oil, moth balls, black pepper or coyote pee.

If only this stuff were less repellent to humans.
Get one drop on you and there go all relationships.

Second step: Repel them.

Coyote pee is really expensive. Also, you need a lot of it, and often, to keep those fiendish critters from planting their demon seeds in your cilantro. Incidentally, it also repels humans and it has a way of getting all over the person spraying it.

Third step: Vent.

Get really angry, swear a lot and vociferate to anyone who will listen about how much you hate squirrels because second step was economically unsustainable. They're back!

Fourth step: Delegate.

Attempt to get others to do your bidding. In an earlier post, I describe how I foolishly believed this dream had come true.

George & Ray watched the squirrel movie all winter with great interest.

Given the opportunity, they were ineffectual squirrel killers, to say the least.

Fifth step: Get creative.

I read that you can use a big plastic owl, preferably with a bobble head, to scare away undesirables in the garden, but I only found testimonials about their effectiveness against birds. I'm too cheap to buy a $19 plastic owl that doesn't even look that real only to have the squirrels make friends with it. So I dug out some other scary things I had around the house and hung them up amongst my plants.

Fab, joyfully mocking my efforts.

This fuzzy frog-type thing will scare the shit out of them.
For sure.

Retro snowman looks like he's made of the yellow snow.
If I were a squirrel, I wouldn't take that risk.

The beauty of my new system, is that thanks to the network of hooks the previous owners left on the deck, I can move my "scarecrows" around, you know, keep those little bastards on their toes, and hopefully crapping their squirrel suits out of sheer terror.

To be continued...

UPDATE: This just in! Finally, a squirrel I can respect.

The Rogue Taxidermy 2012 Biennial Group Art Show